Powerless: A Husband’s Fear During Childbirth
“The feeling of anxiety and fear leaving was a whole experience.
My body felt so warm, it was like blood pumping through it for the first time.”
I have little cousins. I am the second oldest on my dad’s side and have been changing diapers and feeding kids my whole life. The simplicity of it made me excited to have children of my own. So my wife and I started taking classes at Choices to refresh on the information. basic information: changing diapers, feeding habits, car seat, sleeping arrangements, ETC.
Three weeks beforehand, we schedule the Cesarean delivery. The obstetrician gynecologist (OBGYN) asked “Would you like to be present for the surgery?”
“Absolutely!” I excited answered. I wanted to become a surgeon when I was younger but did not follow it. Instead of pursuing school, I wanted to have a family at a younger age.
My wife and I talked about what to expect, the preparation for the baby and how we were feeling about the whole situation. Regular couple talk, then she said, “I will be on heavy medication, are you ready to hold the baby?”
“Of course,” and that is when it hit me. I never have had fear or anxiety in my life like that before.
Thoughts ran through my head, “Do not drop your baby girl, or squeeze her too tight. You have to support the head, but neck is so tiny, what if you twist it. I do not want to hospitalize my baby. They are fragile. Be careful.”
I had to keep playing it casual. I mean my worry is nothing, the mother having to give birth, right? She literally has to deliver a baby, go under a major surgery, and stay strong for the three-day recovery following. I just am afraid of holding a newborn. How could they compare?
Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock
The feelings of knots in my stomach were maximized. It felt like I was being watched, on a failure stage, naked and alone. People just staring at me and judging of how horrible of a father I was. Felt like my heart was ripped out, and a dark cloud was over me, never going to feel happiness again.
July 25, 2017, we had to be at the hospital early to prepare for surgery. Neither of us could sleep with the anticipation, excitement, and basic nervousness. We go into a room to prepare my wife in a gown, and she begins to cry. I go into man mode, just start talking, “You have nothing to worry about. You are young and strong. They do these surgeries all the time.” Just anything I can say to comfort her.
Doctor walks in, give the regular rundown, tells me I have to get ready, and my wife we are going to proceed from here. I need to wear a hair net, gloves, shoe caps and surgical gown. I am scared, constricted in the clothes (I am six-foot, one inch), and now even more nervous because it is about to happen.
Going into operating room was an experience all its own. I am there and my wife cannot move and does not feel right. She is looking up at me, not able to move her body and is scared. I talk her through and saying everything is going well. Keeping up with whatever the doctor is saying to the nurses. They say “Congratulations, you have a baby girl. Would Father like to hold the baby?”
Before I could answer, I just reached my arms out and was holding my daughter. Most infants open their eyes after a few minutes of birth, but not my daughter. She was looking right up at me. I told my wife “You did it, sweetie, here is Katelynn.”
Looking into my daughter’s eyes showed an innocence and a need of someone to be there for her. I knew this would be my new full-time job. Second, the feeling of anxiety and fear leaving was a whole experience. My body felt so warm, it was like blood pumping through it for the first time. A true euphoria that has not happened to me before. Naturally I knew how to hold my daughter, I did not think about it, ask the doctor or refuse, it just happened. Third, the emotions were wild. It is very hard to explain what emotions were going or the intensity, but here is the best my nerdy mind can come up with. Have you ever played a game and you get to a boss, and you cannot pass it. Literally played it for the hundredth time and still failing. One day you play and you beat it, you have such a rush, you just scream and run around your house and tell everyone you know. Kind of like that, but times that by at least a hundred. I couldn’t wait to share the experience with people. I even have this as one of my stories because I want people to know. “When things seem out-of-place or you cannot rise above it, remember you are your strength, and can do much more than you expect.”
